God things really just suck right now. Like, really really suck.

I've already kinda talked about how things have been pretty shit this year, mainly mental health wise but also with shit going on in my life. Now things just feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

My uncle is dying. He had a bout of pneumonia last month, and because of his health it nearly killed him. He seemed back on the mend, but now it's gotten so bad again he went into ICU. All in the span of 24 hours. He has no parents (both my grandparents have been dead for almost a decade) and no next of kin. It'll be my father who'll have to pull the plug. I feel so fucking awful for him, the last of his childhood family just gone.

I've been back in the mountains since May. I fucking hate being here. I just want a job and be productive in some manner but it's been a bust. I'm so goddamned scared that I'm too disabled to get decent employment, which is stupid to say because I'm only neurodivergent, but if no one wants to hire me, it must mean that right? I'm so frustrated and nervous.

I was gonna say "at least I've got my girlfriend, right?!", but even that hasn't been too comforting. I've been having really bad anxiety attacks triggered by being in a relationship (I can thank my relationship trauma for spurring this on). She is so wonderful to me, but yet I can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen. I don't know what that "something" is, and I know that "something" isn't real, but it feels like it. Living in the present is fine, but the second I think about the future I wanna throw up. I like her a lot, yet I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. I can't keep fucking doing this. I just wanna not be romantically involved anymore because I feel like I'm trapped with no way out. I wish we could go back to being fuck buddies where I don't have to think about my feelings.

I just wanna ignore everything and feel nothing anymore. I just want to be alone forever and live in a rock and have everyone forget about me. Once I graduate from grad school I will be so beyond cooked. I know it. So what's the point? I feel so caged in by my emotions and my circumstances. I don't want to do this anymore.