So on Tuesday of this week, I told her I liked her.

It's weird because we both knew we had developed romantic feelings for the other, but I don't think we wanted to admit it. Classic lesbian move.

I went over to her apartment and ended up having an anxiety attack, and that voice in my head kept saying "I like you" over and over again. And then suddenly, I actually said it out loud. There was no way you could retract that, or say psyche or whatever. So I just let it hang there for a moment while my eyes were shut after crying profusely into her chest.

I told her I liked her, and then proceeded to tell her every single exucse why we couldn't be together. I have relationship trauma I straight up refuse to deal with. I don't really trust people, especially in romantic contexts. I have a fear of commitment. I'm too busy to nurture a romantic relationship. Most importantly, I don't want this relationship to change.

If this becomes more romantic than sexual, what does that mean? Does that mean I have to start planning real dates, make time to hang out more than once a week? Do I have to start taking you out for dinner, or make you something fancy that's not scrambled eggs? Do we have to start being more domestic? You don't have to clean my room before you leave, that's my job. Do I have to tell my family about you? How the hell am I gonna explain to them I met you on a dating app? That makes it sound really weird or sketchy.

The paragraph above sounds incredibly fucking stupid, but these are the things that have genuinely gone through my mind. The thing is is that I don't want a drastic change that putting a label of "girlfriend, boyfriend" will likely do. I didn't tell her all of that, but I made that very clear.

She was clearly surprised, but you wanna know what she said, in regards to my relationship trauma?

"You don't have to go through this alone. We can work through it together."

She's said since day one that she's not going to run away from me despite my baggage or lack of experience. But this was much more than a hand on my shoulder kind of gesture. No, she really means that she cares about me, and likes me enough that she wants to help me.

Do I even want her help? I think that's a question not worth the energy asking. It's just gonna lead down a mental spiral that is going to be frivolous in the end.

Obviously, relationships change over time, no matter what specific kind. That is inevitable, and I'm aware of that. But I also don't wanna force something into action, or prevent an action from happening. Neither will be good for my anxiety.