Life has been crazy lately. I mean this both in a good and bad way. I think it'll be easier to explain everything in lists.

1. I started classes about 3 weeks ago now. I mostly enjoy my classes (somewhat). I only meet once a week so they've been moving at a snail's pace. I'm taking more programming classes to really start working that coding muscle. We're doing a lot of boring shit in one of them, but once we get into audio stuff I will be much happier. It's just because we're learning the basics of C right now, so it's gonna be boring until we get past the fundmentals hump.


2. Things back home have been, not great. We genuinely thought we were going to lose my grandmother a few weekends ago, so everyone's emotions have been running super high since then. I am a very apathetic person when it comes to the suffering of those I don't like/have hurt those I love, but it's definitely been affecting me more than I realized. When I came back to my apartment after visiting her in the hospital, I cried more that week than I have in like 2-3 years. I don't really have the energy to go into all the details, so I'll leave it there.


3. Stuff with the girl I'm seeing has been good. She came over yesterday and we tried out more things that make us feel good. My grad school friend is completely right in that I've caught feelings, but I kind of expected it to be honest. Am I going to do anything about it? No, of course not. I don't want the trouble of romance, and I don't want the trouble of unpacking 10+ years of relationship trauma for romance. But considering how everything in this country seems so unstable right now, it's nice to have something that is pleasurable and consistent and there's no guesswork about how the other feels.


4. Speaking of friends, I find my grad school friendship situation to be interesting, to say the least. I only really talk to one of them consistently. I think I've talked about this already but I'm not the biggest fan of these people in my program, even those I'm friendly with. I mean, my only true friend continually misgenders me even though I've explained to her I'm not a cis woman. Or we don't have much in common, which is in no way a dealbreaker, it just makes forming meaningful connections hard. One guy I am friends with, I'm gonna try to force him to hang out with me more. He seems like someone who I could see myself being friendly with, we just need to get on each other's schedules.


5. Oh, I also went to a gay bar for the first time! Two in fact! It honestly was so therapeutic. I've been craving genuine queer connections, and it was so nice to finally be in a space where I could be openly gay and horny. My friend and I ran into two undergrad students who invited us to help them eat the pizza they brought in. They were both genderweird, it was wonderful. A butch and a femme were kissing each other, two femmes were holding hands in a way where they were almost commanding everyone's attention. I need to go back there so bad.