So that relationship/situationship/whatever I've been meaning to talk about. It's been going quite well, actually!

Before winter break started, we did have sex. Since I have no prior knowledge of how good sex should feel, it's hard to gauge how good it was. I can at least say I enjoyed myself. Was I satisfied? Hard to say, because we did do foreplay for a really long time so I was pretty exhausted afterwards.

I can say that she had a blast though. She's had sex before, but mainly with straight men, who she said that those experiences were either bad or just not satisfying for her. She had been in queer relationships before (she dated a transmasc for about 8 months) but they never really fucked. So in terms of queer sexuality, I was the first for her too.

We've talked almost everyday since then. And it's almost exclusively been sexting of some capacity. We do talk about other stuff though.

So far, I've been about 95% happy with how things are. I've learned that at this point in my life, I don't want a serious/romantic partner, but rather a consistent sex partner. People call that situationships, or friends with benefits, because we don't really have a label for what this is. But I've been very interested in relationship anarchy anyways, and I've been getting better about not neding to compartmentalize every facet of my identity, so it works.

I also like how despite it being mainly a sexual relationship, we do like/respect each other as human beings too. The sexual stuff doesn't feel like a transaction, and we don't treat each other like objects (except in bed, because she finds it hot to be used as a toy). We are interested in what the other has going on in their life, and we're willing to have tougher conversations about boundaries and how things are going.

I guess the 5% of me that isn't happy is more of an anxiety thing than anything else, and doesn't really have much to do with her (or maybe it does, I'll explain). Now that I've finally lost my virginity, I feel much more confident in my ability to fuck other people. I've figured out some things, I feel more secure in my body, etc. I want the opportunity to try and have experiences with other people. The thing is is that I don't think she's really into that idea. I've sort of hinted the idea of nonmonogamy to her, and I can tell she's not into it. While I do find it disappointing, at the end of the day it doesn't completely bother me. I have to remind myself that I am still young, and I'll have plenty of opportunities to have sex with other people.

It's also been nice to have something like this, because life has kind of lowkey sucked recently. My grandparents are really sick, my parents are both really stressed and not taking care of themselves, I've been stressed with preparing for school (I really don't want to go back, like at all). I've always found sexual things to be a good stress reliever, because I am a fairly hypersexual individual and I've learned to accept that. It's nice to feel good with another person and let the stresses of life just kind of melt away for a while.

Once I go back to school, we plan on meeting up again. We'll see how long this lasts, I hope to enjoy this as long as I can.