Ok I need to give updates about this girl I'm seeing. This is going to take me forever to write because I'm probably gonna stop every minute to think about how things have transpired but oh well.

So the first date was not the best to be honest. It had nothing to do with her, it was because I was so obviously nervous. Like I tried to be chill but the more it went on the more the nerves kicked in. She could tell how I was feeling so she didn't try to push it, but it just made me not the best.

Despite this though, she clearly had a nice time and was very understanding of my anxiety. She also wanted to go on a second date, which not gonna lie kind of surprised me. After talking it through with her, my friends, and my therapist, I decided I was willing to give this another go.

Needless to say, I'm really glad I did. I was a lot less nervous (because I knew for a fact she was into me and was very nonjudgemental about my fear/lack of experience/etc.), and I had kinda initiated beforehand that I wanted to do more touchy stuff I just was going to have a harder time initiating stuff.

We first started doing a little bit of touching before we actually started cuddling. She kept asking me what I wanted and to be fully honest, I wanted to have sex with her but that moment wasn't the vibe. I feel relationships (sexual, romantic, platonic, or otherwise) I do so much better when the other person takes the lead, so I kind of asked her to go in the direction she wanted to go in.

She eventually asked if I wanted to kiss and I said yes. When we kissed she immediately went into "make out" mode and I ended up pulling away because it surprised me and I had never felt that sensation before and it startled me lowkey. She clearly felt bad about it, but I told her I didn't hate the feeling and wanted to try again, knowing that was the direction she wanted to go in. So I made out for the first time. We did a lot of that admittedly.

It's funny because as an autistic person, acts of physical touch and stuff of that nature is very much a sensory experience. I think the average person would say, "Duh, obviously", but I never really gave it much thought until now. It was pretty apparent to me when we were cuddling, and the way I could feel the fabric of her shirt as I laid on her chest, or how I could hear her fingers going through my hair (which by the way, I've always hated having my hair touched but it felt super nice. Getting it cut short definitely helped with this). There were some sirens going on outside and usually I can tune them out or I just put on headphones if they're being too noisy, but they weren't even that loud and they were unpleasant to me because I became overall more sensitive.

I've asked her to come back over one more time before break starts. I'm really hoping this time we can take it a step further. I really, really do wanna have sex with her, but considering how great everything else feels, I'm willing to be patient about it.

Oh by the way, the way she took initiative too? I really am a service top it's so funny.