Before class starts, I have a little bit of respite. I'm taking this opportunity to jot down some things that have been going on socially, both the good and the bad.

Let's start positive. I'm going on a date! Like a real date! Hooray for me!

Seriously though, I did not think in a million years I'd be able to get back on my feet and do the dating thing again, at least not for a while. I loving proving people wrong, even if that includes myself.

And the wild part about it is that I have a good feeling that this date is going to go well too. I met her on a dating app (which I'm aware is cringe, I don't care), and she expressed how much she loves mascs. Like, she's really into mascs. I know for some, that may make them uncomfortable, but I actually find that a good thing. I've been in too many situations where someone is attracted to me, yet does not view me as masculine. It makes me feel both dysphoric and uncomfortable at the same time. Dysphoric, because they clearly don't view me as a guy or a masculine individual. Uncomfortable, because I know they're going to be weirded out by my body during any sort of intimate encounter, and I don't want to put either of us through that situation.

It's honestly a breath of fresh air to find someone who is outwardly attracted to mascs that aren't masc themselves. Like yeah, you should say that mascs are hot and desirable to you. I need to know that for both testing compatibility, but also for my own self-esteem.

Another positive, but one of my undergrad friends came to visit this weekend. They could only stay for the night, but it was so wonderful to see them. I feel like with my friends up there, I can fully be myself, and I've really been needing that the past few weeks.

The friends I've made here, I don't wanna say I don't like them, but I've found that they're just too heteronormative for me. Like even my friend who is bisexual doesn't give me the satisfaction of queer community as I wanted. It's funny, I didn't think I wanted it that badly until being put into an environment where there's not a lot of queerness. Again, my friends here aren't bad people. They're actually really accepting of my queerness! But being with them does not give the satisfaction or the comfort I was hoping to achieve. Obviously, you have to adjust to how your new friend group operates. But this feels deeply rooted in just having different identities, if that makes sense.

That's really the big negative is just that I still feel out of place here. With my friends, with my program, with this school in general. I don't feel the imposter syndrome like I thought I would, I just miss the sense of community I got from both queer people I met in undergrad, but also from those in my program too. I know I just need to seek out those things in a different way, which is hard and scary.

But maybe going on a date with this girl will allow me more connections to other queer folks, as well as get me to open up about who I really am and what I really want. There will always be likeminded individuals out there, you just gotta be brave and put yourself out in the spaces they reside in. There's also no rush to it either, just one step at a time.

Funny how much better I've gotten about viewing the world and relationships and myself. I can assure you I did not feel this way 6 months ago. I'm proud of myself, for real. <3