Man...

So at the moment I'm not doing too awful, but these past couple of weeks have really been hard. Stress really is a bitch, and it can be tough to try and stay positive.

More or less, school has been really kicking me in the teeth, in a lot of ways. For one, my classes are just difficult. They eat up all my energy, even the ones that aren't that complex. Don't even get me started on the ones that are hard though, it feels like I'm standing in a crowded room only half understanding what's going on around me. It's like I'm in a dissociative state when I'm in those lectures, I swear.

It's also been hard to connect with my classmates. Like yeah I talk to people in my classes and we are friendly, but it's hard to hang out and be, like, real friends outside of an academic context. It doesn't help that people live so far away from one another, and where I'm living now it's kinda hard to get anywhere that isn't school. A group of us are trying to go to an event this weekend though, and I really hope it brings the restoration I so desparately need.

I have been trying my best to take care of myself. I've been doing more relaxing activities on the weekends, and trying to get outside before it gets too cold to. I even went and got a haircut yesterday! I was so scared to do it, but I feel so much better now that I've done it. I've also been trying to pace myself with my schoolwork, so on my days off I don't feel swamped with things that need to get done.

Oh, completely unrelated but I'm trying to open up more emotionally to others. I mean this in kind of a "be yourself!" kind of fashion. This is not only with my classmates, but with strangers as well. It's weird, because I consider myself a very closed off person, but trying to expose an x amount of vulnerability, little at a time, is making the process of healing from past wounds easier to stomach. I'm still very much emotionally unavailable, but hopefully this little experiment I'm running works to a degree.

It might be. I went to a store in the mall as I was waiting for my haircut, and this cute, openly queer girl who was working there saw me and started being super friendly with me. You could chalk it up to the typical customer service niceness, but this somehow felt like something else. Was she flirting with me? Maybe not explicitly, but it felt like she was trying to without making it weird in case I wasn't into that. I was though, I was very into it.

There's a part of me that wants to go back and see if she's still there next time. Maybe chat her up a bit, see if she wants to go grab lunch or dinner in the mall. I live within walking distance from there, I could even invite her back to my apartment. Maybe it could lead to something more.

It's funny. The past couple of months I've really thought about dating again. Which is weird because I honestly thought celibacy was going to be more my thing. I mean, it definitely is at this point, but I'm no longer that opposed to the idea of casually dating someone. Anything serious, I'm not sure I'm cut out for that. But it would be nice to go on cute dates and be all affectionate with another human being. Perhaps this is the catalyst for me finally trying to go on a date with a girl I find to be attractive.

This journal post was all over the place. I guess my main point is that things are rough, but I'm trying to find ways to get on the other side of the stress and loneliness. Some of it will be a quick fix, or over within a month and a half. Other things though, they're gonna take some time and patience. I think I'm in a state where I can be patient though.