I hate always complaining on my site. I hate complaining in general. It feels so dumb, so "woe is me!", and I don't like being that way. Instead of being a baby, how about I actually go and do something about it?

However, this is my website. If I want to cry and moan about things that don't matter that's my perogative. You can choose to read it or not.

I've just been feeling so... depressed? Not really sure what the feeling is. I just have no energy to do anything. I can tell when my mental health has been getting bad when my room becomes a mess. Dirty clothes, bags full of crap I need to unpack, and books I should put away are strewn all over the floor right now. They're even starting to creep onto my bed, which is not good. My desktop is also messy, files thrown about everywhere that need to be put in a folder somewhere. It won't even take me 5 seconds to do, and yet I can't bring myself to clean it up.

I've been sleeping in more and more. I think that has to do with how suddenly cool it's been the past few days though. Cooler air makes me sleepy. But still, every time I wake up I think about something that severely bothers me, which is stupid. My deepest, darkest fears just come to attack me the moment I open my eyes, and quite frankly I wish they would stop.

I should be excited about moving, about school starting soon. But I somehow don't feel much of anything. Actually, it's more like the feelings I have feel muted. I do have excitement and worry and hopefullness, but it all is permeating under a field of static.

The one thing I do feel strongly though is this wave of shame. Not even the feeling that no one likes me, because I know people do. I mean that no one should like me. I have insane Imposter Syndrome, about everything. I'm not going to fit in with the folks in my program. I will never be qualified enough for a job. I won't have potential partners because I'm too autistic or my apartment is too nice or I have too much emotional baggage. I feel like trying to make any connections is futile because I'm a shitty person and I don't deserve anything and I'll never find people who understand me.

Ok, do you see how ridiculous I sound?